electric buck shot
Vincerò
I love connections. I love interdisciplinary. I love seeing things relate to each other. But what I hate, at least in the context of disappointment, is how my emotions, feelings, thoughts, and overall physical being, compromise each other. What I mean is that there are people in our lives that have some sort of sway on us, but only to a certain extent. Then there are people that are like her or him that can do so much with so little. You come to realize that you are a balloon, just a bunch of hot gas, and that certain somebody can fill you up, not with hot gas, but with something meaningful. But in this world of checks and balances, investment, what I like to define as karmic pressure, there is a price to pay for what you want. The price? Your crossing of the tightrope that binds all that is you to all that is her/him. The beauty behind this tightrope is that it is made up of those intangibles that I listed at the top which make you who you are. One slip up and the whole thing goes to shit, one miscalculation, one shaky feeling, and you could find yourself down the long fall with no safety net in sight. What’s the best way to approach this you may ask. I personally have never walked a literal tightrope but I would imagine visualizing myself just a couple inches off the ground, breathing slowly, pacing, being patient, and most importantly balancing. It seems so obvious, but balance in dealing with thoughts, feelings, and that certain somebody can lead you to wherever that tightrope ends.
I love you like a mango…
Hmmmm. Infatuation in its purest and most unembellished form is quite the feeling. In all honesty, I haven’t felt this type of “crush” in a long time, at least in my time being a so-called mature adult. There are the girls in the world with their usual banter of whatnots, and I am jaded with all of it. Then this atypical PYT comes along, shakes up everything I thought I knew about ladies, and makes me feel as though, “maybe those ‘perfect’ girls that I look for actually exist.” Is it that I’m making too big of a deal about it? Possibly. Is it maybe because there’s a legitimate reason behind thinking this? Possibly so. But when it comes down to it, why do I feel as though I have a chance but not at the same time. I’m normally not the type to be pessimistic about things, I’m more or less realistic. But when it comes to matters of the heart and that of the beautiful creatures Big Guns upstairs placed as a gift to all of humankind, my cup is definitely half empty, if it’s not empty already.
Simply, this is a FAT crush and I kind of like it a lot. Is anything gonna come out of this? I don’t see a definite ending to it that’s for sure, but who wouldn’t want some type of storybook ending to happen with them every now and then. I feel as though that isn’t too much to ask for.
I leave the reader with moving pictures outlining and summarizing just what I feel.
It’s very weird to listen to these songs and find yourself putting them on repeat because they are exactly how you feel.
Shugo Tokumaru - La La Radio
It’s a few days after my birthday and I’m still reeling from the effects of post-what-the-hell-I’m-getting-way-old-and-there’s-still-so-much-to-do syndrome AKA mid-mid life crisis. As I write this, the whole age business starts to hit again and insignificance starts seeping into the grey matter and the big red glob in my chest.
“What have you done today?”
Moments and thoughts like these don’t necessarily force me into anything, but in a sense prompt me to look at what’s around, who’s around, and what I’ve done. I look up and it’s an expansive blue sky, it’s a 10 story tall redwood, it’s the deer hanging out, it’s the thousands of people on this campus everyday that I will never meet much less even see, and in the end its what’s in front of the mirror next to the door. There is obviously no such thing as complete and utter control over this world, this reality, but the 6 degrees of separation, the eye contact, the touch, the smell, the intangibles, that’s what keeps the world turning, and it’s what keeps my world in constant rebirth. We’re not just getting old really, but more or less rings within a tree, layers and layers of the stuff this world gives and takes.
consternation
man. im 20. 2 decades. 20 years. 7300 days. 175,200 hours. 10,512,000 seconds.
and counting.
transient
life is definitely rife with the ups and downs that we love/hate and of course as a “young adult” one may find his/herself in a bind that pulls you from where you want to be, making you look left and right at the same time. seeing your peers in other positions and caught up in their own lives sometimes puts your own into perspective. so my question is: why does my perspective on my own life put me in a position envying those around me? i feel like for the average person, the everyday bullstuff manifested through our own actions pushes you towards a tired state of loving who you are. for myself, i definitely dont enjoy who i am and what i do sometimes and most times it feels like my own life’s cons outweigh the pros. what does this mean to me? my friends? people i make eye contact with? nobody is perfect and i believe that it is our job as fellow humans, through the commonality of what our hearts and minds can do, to better ourselves through the betterment of those around us. can you change the world? fuckin right it’s possible. just let your life’s ripples take you as far as you want in the middle of this ocean of humanity.
im bored with the excitement
so i ask the world:
why i havent met anyone that gives me that “feeling”?
is it me?
am i too picky?
is it because i have high standards for myself or for whoever i would want to care for?
have i overlooked people?
is it nor cal?
is it santa cruz?
do i like digging holes for myself?
am i wasting my time?
am i not thinking things through?
am i setting myself up for failure and i dont even know it?
am i too nice?
am i too mean?
am i too smart (probably not)?
is it possible to be too open minded and NOT see things?
do i have to be proved wrong in the fact that i am actually closed minded?
am i foolish to be thinking of all these scenarios?
should i get at the world if its not getting at me?
am i due for something?
should i let things just fall into my lap?
will i ever meet someone?
is this a slump?
is big guns upstairs prepping me for something?
should i stay myself?
should i change?
the anomaly in this world of equilibrium is the fact that if you have one million questions, its not promised that you’re even gonna get one answer.
soul snatchin’
i really dont understand the whole mainstream effect sometimes. for one thing i think the fact that im in my ivory tower of uc santa cruz keeps me away from the top 40 but at the same time nothing really pops out anymore. sure theres the whole thing with everyone wanting to be a pop/rock star but its clearly evident that music today has no staying power. music is taken at face value and when i see that its definitely disappointing. of course there are acts that are above this but its a definite majority that doesnt care for any of the “good stuff” anymore. yeah it makes me seem old, but music is clearly made for profit. i guess most people also dont really care for music as i do but nonetheless, just like people’s dislike for history, they also dont care for the history of the music their listening to.
truly unforgettable
so its been nearly a month since christmas and the music that surrounds it is always good for anytime of the year. but one man especially that i have just come to know and love is nat king cole. yes he does my favorite christmas song ‘the christmas song’ but ive discovered how amazing the rest of his music is. enjoy this guy.
ending with a semicolon;
can disappointment really have that strong of an effect? apparently so.
